You guyssss! The amount of love we have received in the last 24 hours has been so overwhelming. Like, I’m so happy, I just want to cry. Going into this 4th pregnancy has been so real. I mean, I’ve been dreaming of the day when I meet this little babe. But the fear of becoming a mom again is so real. The intimidation is just so real.
I’m sure some of you have a ton of questions, some that you may not want to ask (for fear of sounding too blunt) and that’s ok! I’m here to answer it all. I feel like being raw and real with you guys is the perfect way to go coming into this 4th pregnancy. To be completely honest with you, I was a bit nervous to share our news, because, within these walls, we have been so ecstatic and just over the moon, but I know the judgment of us having four kids at such a young age is out there and the fear of judgment is overwhelming. I know, I know, it shouldn’t be. But it is.
So, here it goes. Was this baby a surprise? Were we trying for number 4? Yes, this baby was a surprise. But, aren’t all babies surprises? not in the way of “well, how did it happen?” But in a way where you are so shocked to see that little pink plus sign, and you just can’t believe it. We actually decided to stop using contraceptives because we knew we wanted more children, and of course, on the first try, we were pregnant. Surprise!
How did we find out? And what was Joe’s reaction? Well, to be honest, I found out a week before my missed period. I knew the day after conception I was pregnant. It was just that gut feeling, ya know? I remember secretly buying a test because it seems with all the babies I could never hide it from Joe. And I remember taking the test early one morning. It was the first response, and I remember seeing only one line pop up. Although I was still a week early, I was slightly discouraged and figured It really all was in my head. So I went about my morning and got E ready for school. And I remember going back to the restroom during the afternoon to throw away the test before Joe got home (had to get rid of the evidence) and when I rechecked it. There were TWO pink lines! I remember calling my sister in shock, thinking “oh it’s defective because the second line didn’t show up right away.” Luckily I bought like six tests, so I decided to take another one. This time a digital one. And the words “pregnant” showed up 3 minutes later! I just couldn’t believe it. I was in a state of shock I remember calling my mom and telling her the news, and then my sisters, and I didn’t even bother to tell joe while he was at work! Haha. Anyways, fast forward to that night while we were laying in bed, I couldn’t hold my excitement anymore and finally showed Joe the five tests I took that day. He, of course, was in a state of shock. Like, is this really happening? Happy nonetheless.
What do our kids think about adding another sibling to the clan? Honestly? They are ecstatic. Ethan and Millie are wonderful with Xander. And when we told them I was growing a baby in my belly, they were literally jumping for joy in the living room. Every day since, they have asked how big the baby is getting, and when we will be able to see him (or her) next. I don’t think I could have another baby if my kids weren’t up to the idea. I mean, ultimately it’s our decision, but the amount of help I get from the kids, I find it fair to talk to them about this first. I remember the moment we decided maybe we should have another baby. We asked the kids what they thought, and right away they were on board 110%. They are all wishing for a boy, but we shall see how that goes!
I think one of the most hurtful, yet serious questions I get from family and friends are, “did Joe really want another kid?” In all honesty, the times I’ve told him we are expecting another child, Joe was never the first one to jump up and down with joy. I mean, it really is nerve wrecking, and the poor guy already is working his tail off to provide for his family, so I can only imagine the things that go through his mind when he knows the medical, diapers, and other expenses are about to take place. But then again, if Joe didn’t want kids, we wouldn’t have kids. Plain and simple. We are never not “safe” (what does that even mean?) We know how to prevent pregnancies from happening. Haha. The thought of having more children is overwhelming, but I also know what kind of father Joe is to his children, and the love he has for each of them is just so amazing to see. So, although he isn’t the first one to be like “hey! Let’s try to have another baby!” & he may joke to all our friends and family and be like “no, were done having more kids” his heart grows, and grows for each child.
I’m thankful my husband is willing to grow a family with me, someone who may be scared at first, but on board 100% to have as many children as God plans us to have. We knew we wanted more children, and always wondered “when that right time would be to start trying again.” And all honestly, when is the right time to have children? Are we ever fully ready? I feel like life never really calms down long enough for us to wait until tomorrow to start living the life that we desire. I’ve always dreamt of being a stay at home, and having babies. And for me, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried, and I’ve doubted. “Is having a lot of children the right path for me? Why am I yearning to have more children, when I have three standing right in front me? Will I be a good enough mother to mother four children? Am I selfish?” All of these feelings and emotions have been tugging at me long enough, and for me to sit back and still wonder, what is Gods plan for me? How many children am I destined to have?
It all seems a bit crazy, and I feel like life will always throw something your way to doubt your abilities. There will always be questions. Instead of wondering, and waiting for the “perfect” time, we decided to start working with what we have and being happy with it. God gave me a hard-working husband, and a home to nurture these children, and the ability to grow another little tiny human. Instead of letting procrastination from robbing me of another precious opportunity, I will sit here and pray that the decisions we do make are ones best for our family.
We had so many plans for 2018, for the last two years we have been saving up to move out of state, to Oregon. We were going to pack up and go, and when we found out, I was pregnant that wasn’t going to stop us from that plan. We were still so excited to start this new venture as a family. Until the day after we found out we were pregnant, Joe went to work and got promoted, and got a raise, and that was when we ultimately decided staying here in Arizona would be best for our family right now. That doesn’t mean we still don’t want to move or try something new, but it’s going to be a few years before we decide to try living out of state again, and who knows maybe we will have more babies by then too ?
I remember the shock on people’s faces when I told them after Xander I wanted more children. You know, the look of “are you crazy?” I am still a bit confused on why people think having more children is a bad thing or a crazy idea. I mean, sure, my house is going to be more chaotic, and things are going to be more expensive, and yes my hands are going to be so full. But what’s life outside of this for me? This is the path we want to walk, and it may not be suitable for others, but for us, it seems so right. I feel like I was put on this earth to have babies, and live simple. & be happy with what’s right in front of me. I don’t want nothing more. No fancy vacations, no big home, no luxury cars. All of that seems nice, but ultimately it isn’t our life goal.
Life’s about to get a whole lot fuller, and although the thought of having a new baby is just sooo exciting, it’s still so scary knowing I’m about to be responsible for another human being. These emotions get the best of me, but we are grateful nonetheless.
I want to thank those of you who genuinely care for our family. The amount of support we have received throughout the years is just so humbling, and without you, there would be no Mywifestyles Blog. Thank you for following along on our crazy life journey. We love you guys! Xoxo